Crap Rap 2

I have to wrap presents. Lots of them. Pretty paper, pretty ribbons, etc. Here is a song to get you into that fucking festive spirit, as you get all ticked off, tape stuck to your sausage-like fingers, cruddy scissors in need of a good sharpening, "hospital corners" not quite working out for you: "Holiday Hymn."

Quocunque Jeceris Stabit

Where is Speranza? No one knows for certain. Last scene bobbing like a cork in the Irish Sea, tossed from a Belfast ferry bound for Liverpool; he was a big man, checked in at 6-foot-5, and had fists like ham steaks. He didn't become chum, we know that much, because he would have fought the sea devils off.

Those who saw him last swore he wasn't in distress. They said he was doing the backstroke, a big smile on his ruddy face, his eyes pointed upwards. He was believed to be headed towards the Isle of Man. His wife said Speranza's long been fond of the Triskelion, for reasons unknown to her. He would laugh and point on the rare times he saw the blood-red flag, and quickly make a crude "third leg" joke.

At any rate, I can assure you our Harp pal would not be uploading any Irish-themed Christmas music today, which is why I plan on doing just that. Hopefully, he will be back in time to resume his rightful spot as the Interweb's most avowed and sober Irish music chronicler. Listen to: The Clancy Brothers' "Curoo Curoo," Bing Crosby's "Christmas In Killarney," and The Chieftains' "The Wexford Carol."

Go QPR, go Peter!

What's your favorite Pete Doherty story? Mine is the time he got busted for possessing heaping amounts of some illegal substance in huge burlap sacks, and then got tossed in a Petey Wagon by the fuzz and hauled unceremoniously off to jail. Wait a second . . . .

Honestly, though, my favorite Pete Doherty story involved our Queens Park Rangers zealot recently walking through the London suburb of Brentford, strumming his six-string and singing a sweet song he penned on the tube ride over, luring dozens of unsuspecting, glassy-eyed children from their homes. Then, while belting out some Brentford FC-related claptrap, Doherty led all the little ones off the Brentford Dock and into the river to drown like stinking rats. That evil bastard!

When Peter is not killing fledgling footie fans, he's recording music, like Babyshambles' new EP, titled The Blinding. "Exposed to this EP," the NME drools, "even those of us who despise Pete Doherty beyond all mortal sense will have to concede the lanky one some sliver of genius." That nice review should make Pete feel better about himself (some good drugs would, too, of course). After all, those damn Hoops are currently in 20th place.

Be a good doobie and listen to "Sedative."